I need help with my introduction and thesis, this is the Professor’s feedback on my thesis:

Main Claim: You have an implied claim, but it is awkwardly worded. Please go back in and revise this statement. (Think about what you are talking about in your essay…what claim are you focusing on in your essay.) 

Supporting Key Points: You have listed three points. But have they been listed in such a way where the connection between your claim and the points is clear?

Articulation of Response: There are errors with sentence structure and parallelism. So much so, that your ideas are not understood in some places. Please revise your thesis statement before you submit the final paper. 

This is what i had submitted:

The article “Me Talk Pretty One Day” is an inspiring story about the author David Sedaris, and his purpose, that no matter how hard a situation, work hard to achieve your goal in life. The article gives a clear picture of the difficulties from working long nights on homework, to not believing that he will ever improve, and the reward at the end of finally being able to understand the language. Sedaris relates to his audience his difficult time and achievement that is intended to encourage you to keep moving forward with your goals and not to give up.

Thank you so much for your help.

 

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